


Flaws

by Unda



Series: It's the end of the world as we know it [13]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Relationship Negotiation, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 10:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11987724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unda/pseuds/Unda
Summary: Dirk and Jake's talk outside the cave in chapter 26 of MC Esher





	Flaws

_There's a hole in my soul_

_I can't fill it, I can't fill it_

_There's a hole in my soul_

_Can you fill it? Can you fill it?_

 

_You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve_

_And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground_

_Dig them up; let's finish what we've started_

_Dig them up, so nothing's left untouched_

 

The moment he first walks in your eyes are glued to him, Dirk Strider. You’ve seen photos of him, even had video conversations with him but seeing him in the flesh is something else. Oh, you’ve already seen the sprite made to look like him, but real Dirk is a wholly new thing.

 

The young troll comes up to you pretty quickly, asking how Dave is. His concern is sweet but in all honesty you’re only able to give him half of your attention because Dirk is turning and walking towards you. You’ve seen romance in movies of course, the moments where the hero sees the love interest for the first time but you don’t think that slow motion could make this better for you.

 

He stops in front of you and nervously licks his lips before speaking in a gesture that is likely just innocent but is certainly not being registered as such by your brain.

 

“Hi.” he finally says, his voice unsteady like he’s not sure about this whole thing. He’s nervous! Dirk bleeding Strider is nervous of _you_!

 

“This isn’t really how I pictured this.” he says, a touch bashfully.

 

“I would have been surprised if it was!” you laugh, and there’s the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

 

Poor Dave stirs in his sleep, the poor little thing has been mostly dead to the world but it seems that he’s beginning to come to. Honestly him flooding the group chat with his warning about Bro had sent quite the cold shiver up your spine and you know more about the man than most people do.

 

Naturally, Dirk drops his focus on you and attends to Dave’s health, not that you begrudge him it. Dave is his world and it means a lot that he trusted you enough to have Hal bring him to you.

 

“He’ll probably wake up soon.” Dirk says, feeling Dave’s pulse carefully.

 

“Poor kid, it’s been quite the day for David Strider, huh?” you say sympathetically and pet his hair the way you used to with Jade when she was small and ill.

 

The others all get into a conversation about Dave and Rose’s legal names, but you have to admit that you’re mostly tuning out what they say. The thing is that you’ve been apart from Dirk for as long as you’ve known him and keeping him at a safe distance from you has been your whole thing so that you don’t stop him from living his life and break your own heart if he doesn’t turn out to be yours. You’d assumed you’d never meet him but this game has brought you together after all.

 

Now the moment of meeting him is here and though, as you both agreed, this isn’t what you thought it would be it’s still happening. What are you going to say to him? What-

 

“Jake can I, uh, talk to you? Outside?” Dirk says and you realised that you weren’t paying attention. Oh cripes, he’s looking right at you. Foolishly you try to stand up and then realise that you’ve still got a passed out Dave snoozing away with your legs for a pillow and you have to get Karkat to take your place before you can go outside the cave with Dirk.

 

You certainly have to admit that there are advantages to walking behind Dirk. He might be on the skinny side for the rough and tumble life that you live but you know that he’s no lightweight in a scrap even if he physically is light to you. Nevertheless, his body type certainly leaves you hot under the collar and reminds you, a little shamefully, of your forays into the shadier parts of the internet.

 

He stops a little ways outside the cave and turns around to face you, silently.

 

You should say something.

 

“You’re shorter than I thought you were.” you blurt out, and the tiniest offended noise slips out from between Dirk’s lips.

 

“Well, we can’t all be tropical mountains, can we? And I’m glad you can even tell and don’t need new glasses, not that you could have ever seen an optometrist on your island.” Dirk replies back snarkily.

 

“My grandparents built a machine.” you say primly.

 

“An ominous and vague statement if there ever was one.” Dirk replies, and you laugh. Oh, talking with him in person is so very much better than online.

 

Dirk isn’t laughing, in fact he’s not even looking in your direction now.

 

“We, uh, we need to talk.” he says, all warmth gone from his tone.

 

“That always leads to good conversations in movies, you’re making me a touch nervous here, Dirk.” you say with a nervous laugh.

 

“Well, yeah. Sorry, I suppose. Look, I know I’ve been hounding you tactlessly for years about being my soulmate and I know you never wanted to talk about it because we might never meet but here we are so the obvious thing to do is just settle this. But…” Dirk trails off.

 

“But?” you prompt and Dirk wraps one arm around himself and sighs.

 

“Bro and Roxanne are a pretty good example of how just being someone’s soulmate doesn’t mean it’ll be a good thing. They deserved each other for sure, but that’s not exactly a compliment. But once you make that connection you’re shackled to that person for better or worse.” Dirk explains.

 

“I think they were an exceptional case, Dirk. Besides, I hardly think that shackled is the right term to use.” you tell him but he shakes his head.

 

“It’s accurate though. And, look, my… feelings for you aren’t exactly secret, but right now I could both be your soulmate and not be your soulmate. The point is that you might prefer that and I don’t think it’s right for me to just open up this thing by holding out my hand without explaining what you’re signing up to here if it does turn out to be me.” Dirk says and turns to look away from you, leaning against the outside of the matte silver cave.

 

“You’re saying this like it’s some kind of legal disclaimer, Dirk.” you point out.

 

“Not so much that more of a… sold a seen. With all the flaws, scratches and broken parts that you might not be aware of. Look, I _desperately_ want to be with you, to an embarrassing extent. But I don’t want to be like them so can you just let me explain all the catches with this here and then we can decide what to do, please? My worst nightmare with this is that you just sign up for who you think I am and get disappointed in me.” Dirk says, his voice desperate.

 

It’s pretty clear that his Bro and Roxanne have left their marks on him and you’re pretty darn certain that you want him regardless, so if this exercise manages to exorcise some of those demons and sets you both on the right path then why not do it?

 

“Okay, Mr. Strider. Walk me through your sold as seen clauses.” you say cheerfully, and Dirk nods.

 

“Well, I think the easiest one is this. Dave and Rose are my kids and Roxy isn’t my actual sister but she’s absolutely family and looking after them comes first. And I know it’s not as cut and dry as that because Roxy can also look after Dave and Rose herself but at this rate I may also end up adopting a whole bunch of troll kids too. I mean, I think we’re now the oldest people around as all the other parents have been killed, gone missing or exploded and in one case turned into a sprite.” Dirk explains.

 

“Right, that’s fair. And of course the same goes for Jade with me. But I think this one is more of a problem of time management, even without this killer game in the way. That said I think Jane and Roxy could help us out there and we do the same for them.” you agree.

 

“Right. I knew that one would be pretty easy.” Dirk nods.

 

“This isn’t so bad. What else is running around in that head of yours?” you question.

 

“I’ve told you about what Bro did to us and that I killed him. I just want to be sure you know that’s something that I’ve done.” Dirk says, looking up at you and you can see the worried pinch of his brow. This clearly is something that weighs on him.

 

“I do know that. You’ve mentioned it before, and I didn’t like to talk about it because it obviously upsets you. Honestly, though, the man was a villain and you did a terrible thing for the best of reasons. If I had been in your shoes I probably would have done the same.” you assure him and Dirk nods.

 

Strider looks at the ground, his hand worrying at his sleeve and it’s a few moments before he speaks again.

 

“I was in therapy a while back.” he says softly.

 

“Oh.” you say in surprise. You didn’t know that and nor did you think that was the kind of thing that he was into. You’ve had moments in your life where you feel down for a spell, but your family has always been big on the great outdoors being a boon for the health of the mind. The thought of having to ache out your feelings like gunk from a wound, to a stranger no less, is deeply unappealing.

 

“I have PTSD, I mean, no surprise there. Dave does too. Mine’s unmedicated because I don’t get the same disruptive effects that Dave does I just tend to overprepare for shit and overthink things.” he says quickly.

 

“Well, sometimes that’s useful. I think we’re all more prepared for this game now thanks to you.” you say helpfully and Dirk smiles slightly and nods.

 

“I’ve also, uh, got a personality disorder. Which explains a lot of the stupid shit I do.” Dirk mutters and looks even more off to the side away from you.

 

“What ‘stupid shit’ are you talking about, Strider?” you laugh, but he doesn’t seem amused.

 

“How I can be… needy. Like stupidly so, I mean I know that you like me at least somewhat, but if it goes too long without you telling me I start getting paranoid that maybe you don’t or I’ve driven you away or- just stupid shit like that. I think things that are really hard to disprove, like maybe I manipulated you into thinking or saying something so I start looking for proof that I did that or trying to test you to see if you really think what you said you think.” Dirk says in a rush.

 

You pause, and suddenly a lot of the frustrating things about Dirk become a lot clearer, like putting your glasses on in the morning. That last one often drove you crazy, you’d tell him something nice and he’d act like he didn’t believe you, everything felt like a game of chess that you didn’t agree to and were two moves behind on.

 

“Oh.” you say in realisation and ache inside when you see Dirk flinch.

 

“There’s more to it too. A lot of people with what I have get… self destructive. Drugs or alcohol are common but that wasn’t my thing, even if living with a drunk Roxanne for five years wasn’t enough the idea of being too out of it to help Dave if he needed me was too much. And the whole thing, at least with me is wanting to just not be me for a while.” Dirk says hurriedly.

 

“Well, what was it then?” you ask warily. Dirk is right about one thing, you didn’t know anything about this kind of stuff.

 

Dirk shifts his weight anxiously from foot to foot.

 

“You know, maybe this was a bad idea and we don’t need to talk about this.” he says hurriedly.

 

“Oh, no you don’t. Come here.” you say firmly and grab him by the shoulders.

 

“We are going to talk about this, Mr Strider because it is clearly very important. So, you’re not to squirm out of it, you hear me?” you insist and Dirk does try to wriggle out of your grip and push away with a hand on your chest, but he’s not going anywhere.

 

At first, you think him turning red when he seems to realise that is embarrassment or frustration but the way the flush spreads across his cheeks and his breathing goes funny you think you might have hit on a different thing. You could almost laugh at the irony of a control freak having a thing about control and perhaps later you can investigate that more carefully but for now you have a conversation that needs having.

 

“It’s just…” Dirk hesitates and bites on his lip.

 

“Yes?” you prompt, careful to be gentle and you slowly loosen your grip. You don’t want him feeling actually threatened by any means.

 

“If there’s anything that makes you want to not do this, it’ll probably be this.” he mutters and looks at the floor.

 

“Go on then, if you’re going to try to drive me away just so I can prove that I’m still here then go for it. Do your worst!” you challenge him with a confident grin.

 

Dirk looks away from you, trying to glare a hole into the ground with sheer force of will instead. You watch his body tense, fight or flight taking control of him. His hand taps out a nervous beat on his legs but eventually he speaks.

 

“So, not drugs or alcohol for me. It was… sex. With strangers. Sober ones, I’m not a complete monster. And it wasn’t relationships or anything it was just sex and it was stupid and dangerous, but I needed to not be me for a while, to not think and, so…” Dirk trails off with a shrug. His hand is digging hard into his other arm and he’s still not looking at you.

 

You stare at him in open mouthed shock. You’ve thought of sex with Dirk Strider, you can’t imagine many people haven’t. He’s beautiful and you’ve always thought he was your soulmate ever since you were introduced, but you didn’t dare say so. You’ve thought of all the things you wanted to do with him and _to_ him ever since you first made that connection. And now you’re confronted with the idea that other people have been doing that to him instead of you. Furthermore, from the sounds of it this doesn’t sound like a one off thing.

 

“Jesus Christmas, Dirk! Just how often did that happen?!” you yelp, perhaps a little too loudly.

 

“Hal helped me count up the number a while back, it was more than I thought it was, I guess I forgot some.” Dirk mumbles, still not looking at you.

 

“Dirk!” you exclaim.

 

“Twenty three.” he says, covering his face with his hands.

 

“Twenty three.” you echo in total disbelief.

 

You try to imagine that many people clustered around Dirk, their hands on him in ways that you had hoped only you would have your hands on him. He’s your soulmate after all isn’t it? Dirk lowers the hands over his face and wraps his arms around himself. He looks small, vulnerable.

 

“It gets worse. One of the guys is here, I didn’t even know that we knew people in common. And, fuck, I’d met him before because he was the guy who arrested me when Bro died, not that I recognised him. There was a good deal of time between that, that’s not how I avoided charges or anything.” Dirk adds mournfully.

 

One of the players in this game has slept with Dirk. Someone you’re going to meet, who you may have already spoken with.

 

“At least it’s not like you can catch anything from me, I’m fine in that respect. Lucky mostly I guess.” he mumbles, still not looking at you.

 

The air whooshes out of your chest in one go and you lean against the outside wall of the cave. This isn’t what you expected, not at all. Your eyes stray to Dirk, he’s further away from you now, curled in around himself and he’s practically radiating self-loathing. You don’t want him to feel like that, even if the thought of other people touching him that way makes you sick with jealousy.

 

Ah, but there’s the rub. Jealousy: the fear that someone will take something that’s yours, that’s what you feel. Not envy, which is wanting what someone else has. No, you’re afraid that someone will or has taken something that’s yours. But aside from Dirk not being a thing of any kind you can hardly call him yours. Not only have you not confirmed that you’re soulmates yet you spent so much time denying Dirk the chance to even act as if he was yours. You have no right to any claim on him during that time. He didn’t cheat on you, he just lived his life. He doesn’t seem exactly proud of it and if anything he seems to view it more as a weakness of his own apparent illness than anything. But even if he were proud of his choices and had partners that he was romantically attached to instead of this it would make no difference, he is a young, single and devastatingly attractive man. He can bed who he likes without your permission or approval so long as he’s not with you.

 

“If you are my soulmate and we did date would…” you hesitate and clear your throat awkwardly, “would that be something you’d still do?”

 

Dirk whips around and stares at you, the first eye contact you’ve had even if it is through his sharp eyewear.

 

“What? No! I want you, more than anything. Besides, it’s not like there’s a lot of people to choose from and I’d rather chop my own dick off than sleep with Cronus again!” Dirk exclaims.

 

“Please don’t do that.” you chuckle and Dirk relaxes a touch.

 

Dirk sighs and walks over to you properly, standing before you once more instead of where he’d migrated to in his self-induced shame.

 

“So that’s it. The whole disclaimer over me as a person. You don’t have to offer me your hand and I’d completely understand if-” Dirk trails off, staring at the hand of your soulmarked arm that you’ve just held out to him.

 

“As long as it’s just us, I’m still happy. You’re still you, and I can’t say I was expecting everything that you said or that I don’t have some feelings about it. I never thought you were perfect, Dirk, I’m not. I just would like to be with you.” you say, painfully earnest.

 

Dirk opens his mouth as if to say something but nothing comes and he slowly lifts his hand too.

 

“Oh, wait!” you gasp and reach out and pluck those dratted shades off of his face. He blinks in the light and then scowls at you.

 

“Seriously?” he snorts.

 

“Shut up, this is one of the most important moments in our lives, I want to be able to see you!” you insist.

 

“You don’t see me doing that to you.” he points out petulantly.

 

“Well, yes, you would get a better view of my eyes I suppose but only if you consider me barely being able to see you and your view of me looking like this.” you say and put on an exaggerated squint and waving your hands around as if to find out where he is.

 

“You’re ridiculous.” Dirk says but you can hear the amusement in his tone.

 

You raise your eyebrows at him and hold out your hand, mentally shoving down the thought that you’ll be number twenty four and you can’t possibly be good enough after all that. You do your best to crush it, because if Dirk takes your hand and you get him around your finger then you will be the one and only person to have done that.

 

Dirk slides his hand into yours and for a moment you get nothing, long enough for fear to clench at your insides and then your finger burns as Dirk’s orange whirls around your finger in a knot with your green. He’s yours! He really is yours and no one else’s, this brilliant, amazing boy!

 

Dirk is staring at his hand in open wonder, like he really never felt as if this would happen. And as you stare at him you think for the millionth time that he really is so gosh darned pretty.

 

_Twenty three…_

 

You shove that thought right back down and grab Dirk by the shoulders and box him up against the outside wall of the cave, you hesitate before kissing him and in the end you don’t need to decide whether to or not because Dirk kisses you first. It starts off confident and recedes into this shy thing until you respond properly and stop being so darn shocked at it.

 

The man practically melts against you, and you hate that he was so worried about you turning him down, as if you wouldn’t give almost anything for this. It’s funny how Dirk doesn’t seem to have any personal space, how desperately his hands clench in your shirt and how completely trapped you have him as you kiss him. You know what he’s been through and you’d think that kind of experience would make you twitchy having someone as close to you as you are now to Dirk. You wouldn’t think Dirk would want some great galoot like you trapping him like this, not that you wouldn’t back off at the slightest hint that Dirk wanted that of course. But still, you’re not one to question what makes him happy, not when you have so few complaints at rendering Dirk dazed stupid as he looks when you pull back from him for a moment.

 

Dirk leans in and kisses your neck, making your heart race even more than it already was. Only he suddenly jerks back and turns his head.

 

“What-” you start to ask, but Dirk is already speaking.

 

“I think I hear Dave.” he says quietly. You strain your ears and you can hear the Lalonde girls quiet talking but not Dave, you listen a little longer and then- there, yes you heard him too.

 

“You have good ears.” you commend him.

 

“Practice.” Dirk mutters distractedly and squirms against you, putting pressure on your chest with one hand. You take the hint and back off.

 

“Sorry, I’ve got to see if he’s okay.” Dirk apologises, dusting himself off.

 

“No, no. We did just agree on just that, didn’t we?” you remind him and Dirk flashes you a genuine smile that melts your insides.

 

“Oh, but… before you go.” you say, catching his arm. Dirk pauses and looks at you curiously.

 

“What made him spam the chat like that? Just endless repetitions of ‘Bro is back’. Obviously he was but why act like that?” you ask and Dirk sighs.

 

“Well, remember how I said Dave’s PTSD is different to mine? He gets a lot of the more disruptive effects, panic attacks and things like that. This specific thing is kind of like a blue screen of death with a computer. The idea of Bro being back is so horrible, so unthinkable that it screws with the programming of his mind. He needs to tell people, to warn them and to get protection for himself but doing that doesn’t make him feel better but it’s all he can think to do. So he gets stuck in a loop and panics more and more. Usually, his panic attacks don’t go like that and these days he’s pretty good at dealing with them himself, one this big is very _very_ rare. But that’s why I had to give him the medication that strong.” Dirk explains.

 

“Sort of like turning him off and on again, like a computer.” you guess.

 

“Exactly. I hate to do it because it’s not really good for him but when he’s like that nothing else much reaches him. Bro returning is the worst thing he can think of more or less and this game is stressful as all hell. I’m not surprised he reacted like that. I just need to make sure that he knows he’s safe.” Dirk says.

 

“Well, do that then. We can pick this up another time.” you say brightly and Dirk nods, a shy smile working its way onto his face for just a split second.

 

“Yeah, we can do that.” he says and a thrill runs up your spine at the tone of his voice. Dirk flashes you another small smile and heads into the cave. Oh boy, he is going to give you a heart attack with a smile like that, not to mention the rest of him!

 

You hesitate at the mouth of the cave as Dirk goes in as the thought occurs to you that though you went over every reservation Dirk had about him being suitable for you he never asked about anything about that might not be as he imagined. Like he thinks that you’re perfect or something…

 

Something nervous flutters in your chest but you ignore it and head inside. It’ll be fine.

 


End file.
